“The lust you hold so closely can vanish within moments…”

Moments, that is all it takes for mistakes, for a loved one to get hurt, to get the wrong end of the stick, to make life changing decisions – that’s all it takes in this world, moments. A world where we are not protected by the Judgement of Allah who sees, hears and knows all, unlike humans – Allah sees the whole picture and will judge accordingly when judgement day arrives. Allah is not shackled by human traits, like an ego, pride, or irrational and illogical emotions – so when we judge and make decisions, it’s very much dependant on who we are as a person, and not the objective situation. This can turn ugly when we don’t have the Mercy and Will of Allah on our sides, and of course this can only be attained when He is pleased with us.

When we are in an unlawful relationship in the eyes of Allah, we’re not asking for His pleasure or blessings, rather the opposite, and the longer we continue on this dark journey, the longer we will repel His Mercy, Protection and Forgiveness, especially when we need it most. So when it comes to making decisions in this unlawful relationship, who and what do we have behind us for support and assurance? Nothing but our own emotions, and worse, the whispers of Shaytaan. This may come across a little extreme but ask yourself, why is heartbreak so common in these relationships? Why does heartbreak then lead some to fall into a much worse, much darker, and much deeper pit than what they were initially in?

In most marriages, the heartbreak is temporary, and with the Pleasure of Allah, the husband and wife can easily work things out (mostly), but when in a haram relationship – an argument always seems and feels 10x worse than what it actually is. Why? It’s been touched upon before, but it’s simply because this temporal lust that you have for this other human is not stable and is based on superficiality. That’s why when something goes wrong; it feels like a mountain on the edge of a cliff. When this mountain does slip off the edge – you can imagine the crash into the waters of the harsh sea, and that’s how heartbreak feels. This heartbreak can lead to a depression where often it is described as “I have hit rock bottom” and it is because the mountain that just crashed into the sea is so heavy and suffocating that the only thing you can possibly do is let yourself drown because all you feel is loneliness, betrayal, pain and most probably guilt and regret. Some can get over heartbreak relatively quickly, but for some it can go on for months and even years, they may never get over it because they may have never received closure from their once loved one, or because the attachment was so severe that imagining a life without that one person seems impossible. This prolonged heartbreak may be due to something that once felt innocent and fun but turned into an obsession and possession of the heart and mind.

Heartbreak is very dangerous. It can make us into something we’re not, and it can make us do things we would have never imagined of doing. It is so painful that we would turn to vicious means of trying to avoid it, even if that means becoming paranoid and anxious. We can turn abusive, manipulative and vicious in actions and words – both women and men may start becoming clingy, possessive and begin emotional blackmailing to both get their way, as well as to ensure security over not going through heartbreak. You often hear about domestic violence cases in young relationships where the male just didn’t know how to regulate his “love” for her, and even where young women have taken their own lives because they couldn’t deal with the state of their relationship. This is one of many reasons why in Islam it is prohibited, simple because marriage comes with companionship but also control and regulation.You become objects to one another, something to have and grip on to, something that gives you comfort and satisfaction – but deep down you both know that it is all meaningless and temporal, thus the irrational thoughts and behaviour.

This isn’t to say that lust does not make an appearance in marriages too – because it’s often heard that brothers will miss their salah to take their wives out or be at home to give them company, or sisters will do the same to cook and clean and even take off their hijab for the sake of their husbands – nonetheless, it’s still wrong. It may not have the same exact dynamics as a haram relationship, but it’s the same concept about temporal pleasure for the sake of this world and life that can be applied to this type of “lust”. Even in a marriage, acts still have to be for the sake of Allah in order to have a pure and peaceful marriage, but this can be turned on its head when the love of your spouse and the desire for their pleasure comes before the love and pleasure of Allah.

Relationships and the fear of heartbreak cause us to change ourselves, and ultimately lose who we are. We think that nothing else in this world matters more than “them” and how they made us “feel” – but this is false. How can we lose focus of something which holds so much more beauty? How can we lose focus of something that gives us so much more comfort and satisfaction than any human could ever give us? How can we lose focus of Allah? The negative aspects of experiencing lustful love are many, only a handful have been mentioned in this month – and of course to every haram, there are some things that appear to be positive, but ultimately how beneficial is it? Wine was once allowed but then it was made forbidden, because although there are benefits to drinking wine, the harm that it does outweighs the benefits massively. The same way lust may appear to benefit us by making us happy and feel good, the harm and pain it causes are on a much larger scale. The same way wine, drugs and cigarettes etc are forbidden, the same way this lust is forbidden because they both intoxicate us to a point we lose a sense of sanity and in the eyes of Allah, we are incapable of worshipping Him.

What do we give up when we choose this life over the next? What do we compromise when we choose humans over Allah? What do we ruin when we choose this world over the next?

“Allah has promised the believing men and women gardens beneath which rivers flow, wherein they abide eternally and pleasant dwellings in gardens of perpetual residence; but approval from Allah is greater…”
(Qur’an 9:72)

Meanha Begum

Author Meanha Begum

Meanha Begum is currently studying a degree in Islamic Psychology where she has been given the blessing to explore her passions, Islam and Psychology. She relishes in the insight of an Islamic perspective to incorporate into psychology, to help those who have never been given a chance that every devout muslim, and non muslim deserves. Which is why she considers Inspirited Minds to be a huge blessing in her life. She has been brought up in a heavy western environment, where Islam was once far from her reach, but through trials and tribulations, she has managed to come out stronger and closer to Allah than ever before. It's simply her experiences, ideas, and open nature that pushes her towards wanting to help others out of their vulnerable places, through their journey, and into happiness, with tranquil souls.

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  • Zahrah

    Please do not equate passionate or haram relationships with domestic violence. This is an incredibly careless and inaccurate way of talking about domestic violence.

    Domestic violence is not perpetrated by someone because they are passionately in love or unmarried; it happens because the person perpetrating it is a violent abuser.

    Domestic violence is not absent from marriages. It happens in marriages all the time and women die from this violence every week.

    I understand that you are trying to make a point about the kind of relationship you believe in and think is legitimate but please do not resort to such a shameful argument. Whether you see it as morally right or wrong, Muslims engage in many different types of relationships. Their relationship status is not the reason they may suffer violence.

    Best wishes.

    • abdlatyf

      well spotted

      • Meanha

        A’slaamualaykum Zahrah.

        I’m sorry you feel that way – but I wasn’t trying to justify Domestic Violence with passionate love/haram relationship because firstly there is no justification for it, and secondly I was suggesting that it is a contributor. You can’t disregard that lust is a contributor as it’s often that the female/male become obsessed/posessive over their mates/spouses which then could lead to domestic violence. Besides, domestic violence isn’t just physical violence, there are a number of ways to subject someone to abuse and trauma rather than just beating them.

        I don’t think anything I mentioned was shameful, and although you may feel it is inacurate in this context simply because it may seem I “washed” it down, however if you look at our previous posts we have discussed domestic violence extensively and even had a sister to share her story – so please don’t think we are not acknowledging the fact domestic violence does happen and Muslim women do die everyday and Muslim men do experience similiar treatment, we work very hard to raise awareness on this issue too as an organisation.

        “Their relationship status is not the reason they may suffer violence” – maybe not, but it could be a contribution. If you also look back, I did say “sometimes” and “mostly” when talking about marriages, because I was considering the fact that despite all these issues, domestic violence does happen.

        I hope that clears things up.

        Much love and many duas.

  • Najjif Shah

    Salaam Meanha
    Thank you for including me in your mailing list. I always throughly enjoy reading your insightful messages. I truly agree with everything, but for me personally it can be difficult to keep the ‘lust’ at bay. However I am confident that praying and zikar will help myself and others to stay focused.
    I am really interested in your studies and would like to hear more if possible. I am currently in my final stages of becoming a Person Centred Counsellor so therefore I am keen to learn much more.
    Thank you once again.

    Take care

    Regards
    Najjif Shah

    • Meanha

      Wa’slaam Najjif.

      Jazakamullahu Khairan for your lovely comments! No doubt it can be difficult, especially with the high sexualised society we currently live in, but In Shaa Allah the methods you are choosing to following to keep it at bay, may Allah make it easy for you! MashAllah, may Allah make all your work successful! Yeah sure, I would love to tell you more, please feel free to email me on meanha.begum@inspiritedminds.org.uk

      Much love and many duas!

  • Zak Khan

    It would be nice to know where the translations are from ..

    Some referencing would be appreciated ..

    Many Thanks

    • Meanha

      Sure, I use this website: http://quran.com/

      I’ll keep it in mind for next time!

  • abdlatyf

    the only people who fall in the pit you speak of are women and the weak among men. those who are strong in faith, know well that what allah has planned is far greater in every essence*. and thus allahu akbar.

    *let’s say for example; there was a girl i liked, it was a secret, but god knows i wanted to marry her. and then she backs off because she feels we are being unislamic, which is true. now i hear that she has fallen in the pit, i on the other hand put my trust in allah and he paired me with someone better, who i married and fell in love with. i hope that my first crush is okay.

    • Meanha

      A’slaamualaykum Abdlatyf.

      Although I agree to a certain degree, even though the most practicing of people can fall victim to shaytaan, have you heard the story of Barsisa? It’s easy to slip and make mistakes as humans and then it could be harder to come out of that mistake thus spiraling into something worse. If you look back to the first post on this theme, we were aiming this at those who are young, and already in this trap or thinking about stepping into a relationship.

      May Allah make it easy for all of us and grant us righteous spouses, ameen!

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