Question

I am a 25 year old woman who got married when I was 22 and now is divorced. It has been a year and I just couldn’t get over what’s happened and can’t stop thinking about my future. I don’t know what to do now. I can’t share my feelings with anyone because nobody will understand, and even if they do they don’t know what to do say. My parents already went through so much after what happen so I pretend to be okay in front of them and my family so that they don’t worry much about me. I feel like I am always mentally absent, thinking about my past or future, and that it was it all my fault. I really don’t know how to deal with all this especially the thoughts in my head. Also I’m struggling with my iman as well and I don’t know if this a test from Him or is he punishing me because of something I did? I don’t understand because none of it makes any sense. Can you please help me?

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Response

Assalaamu ‘alaikum – peace be with you,

We can only understand that what you are going through, this sounds like a big change to experience in life, so Jazakallahu khairan for contacting Inspirited Minds; we hope that we can be of some help.

The most important aspect to learn from this experience is that you need to allow yourself time to heal, whether this takes 1 month or a year. Nobody gets married with the expectation of divorce; it is not something you can predict. Marriage is such a big part of life and your deen (religion) and the fact that you were married for almost three years means that no one is expecting you to move on with a flick of a light switch. ‘Moving on’ is also a concept that is easier said than done, and after experiencing such a big life change, it is common for one to relive in the past and dwell on mistakes that you may have made. You also feel guilty after putting your parents through this but know that you are not alone. Some choose to completely shut down after experiencing such an ordeal, but the fact that you have chosen to seek help shows that you are a fighter and a true believer, as you want to get back to your usual self and a better place with regards to your Iman (faith). So give yourself, your mind and your heart plenty of time to heal.

The second aspect to note is know that everything in life is a test. When going through a challenging time, we should not take it or feel as though we are being punished, but rather as a means for us to gain closeness to Allah. This is a fact we often forget, and the most ironic thing is that Allah (SWT) has mentioned this in the Qur’an; “Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried?” [Surah Al-Ankabut, 29:2]  We must understand that as Muslims, trials are given to us by the Almighty to test our faith. Having said that, Allah is the most Merciful and “will never burden a soul beyond that it can bear” [Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:286]. Depending on the situation, divorce does not have to be seen as a ‘bad’ thing; for some it is a necessity and a blessing, whilst for others, it may be a means of protection from a more serious calamity that could have happened in the future, had the couple stayed together. We all need to go through a process to get where Allah (SWT) wants us to be, and this process helps us to become stronger. View this life experience as a test, as a lesson to learn from, but also as a means of Allah (SWT) trying to direct you towards something better (bringing you closer to Him) and/or protecting you from something worse to come.

Finally, talking to someone that you trust can help decrease the burden and emotional stress that you are going through. You mentioned how you feel as though you cannot speak to your parents, we advise you to either open up to another family member or close friend. Bottling it all up inside is not good for your mental state or for your journey in moving on. You should also try seeking some form of professional counselling or therapy as they may be able to provide you with advice or coping strategies catered in how to deal with separation or divorce. Inspirited Minds also offers counselling and a listening service if this is something that you prefer. For further tips on how to overcome divorce, please refer to the following article. And as always, “Rely upon Allah; and sufficient is Allah as Disposer of affairs.” [Surah Al-Ahzab, 33:3]

Please don’t hesitate to contact us if you need any further support.
Allah knows best and Insha’Allah we hope this helps,
Duas always,
IM Support Team

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Ask Inspirited Minds is a safe, anonymous and confidential space for you to ask specific questions or seek advice around your mental health and wellbeing. We will publish your question and our response on our website but will make sure to make it anonymous and change any identifiable details. If you are going through these problems, then it’s highly likely someone else is going through something similar and we hope our advice can also be of help to others in a similar situation.

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