Question
I have been in a domestic abuse relationship in which l left, but my community make me feel that l did not have sabr. The imam and everyone keeps saying that staying in an abusive marriage is a test from Allah. Studies are now proving that its impacts on the well being of children and the victim. Women who stay in an abusive marriage, their children, turned out with one form of psychological issues. Does Islam says we will get Jannah if the man beat us to death or make us mad. Please advice
~
Response
As-Salaamun ‘Alaikum – peace be with you,
Thank you for reaching out to us, we know that it isn’t easy and we appreciate the confidence you have placed in us. May you be rewarded, Ameen.
We are so sorry to hear that you have been suffering in an abusive marriage. Domestic violence is unfortunately still a taboo topic amongst many in Muslim communities, so we recognise and appreciate the strength and courage it takes to reach out to us on this topic.
Abuse comes in various forms: physical, mental, spiritual and emotional. Domestic violence impacts all three categories. This can negatively impact one’s mental health in both the short and long-term by making them feel less hopeful, dejected and unable to trust others due to the abuse. It also leads to a lack of self esteem and self worth which can be detrimental to a person’s attempts in creating a healthy future with healthy relationships if not addressed.
We would like to start by reiterating that your decision to leave the abusive relationship was very much correct according to Islamic for the safety and wellbeing of yourself and your children. Abuse is not tolerated in Islam and the Prophet (ﷺ) has said:
“The best among you is the one who treats his family the best, and I am the one who treats his family the best.” [Tirmidhi]
We are saddened to hear that you have also had to endure negative comments, which have made you feel guilty. Please know that feeling guilty is normal, but everybody’s amals (deeds) are their own and we know our truth better anybody else does. We hope and pray Allah (SWT) grants you and your children ease during this difficult time.
Regretfully, the ill-informed advice from your community and Imam is not helpful and is better to be ignored especially as this is not in accordance with Islamic teachings. Unfortunately, many Muslim communities around the world have misunderstood the concept of sabr (patience) and believe that this includes the acceptance of abuse. However, this is a form of injustice and oppression. Islam does NOT support injustice in any form and please remember that suffering at the hand of a husband does not grant one Jannah. This is a misconstrued version of sabr that we hope is not upheld in our Muslim communities, In Sha Allah (if Allah wills)
The British Imam Abdullah Hasan, founder of Imams Against Domestic Abuse (IADA), puts very clearly that abuse is the misuse of religion for personal power:
“When a Husband insults and raises his hand against his wife and those he should protect, it is like him raising his hand and insulting God and His Messenger (ﷺ). There is no place for domestic abuse in Islam.”
You can find out more here!
Please be assured that if you are feeling distressed about the comments, it may be helpful for you to talk through your emotions and thoughts with an Islamic Counsellor in order to help you come to terms with your decision and why it was the right decision to make both according to Islam and your psychological wellbeing.
See below for some helpful contacts to help you do this:
- Muslim Women’s Helpline: 0800 999 5786
- Sakoon counselling marital service
- The Muslim Counsellor & Islamic Counselling Services Directory
- Women’s Aid
- Also refer to the Inspirited Minds Article on Abuse and Mental Health
These are just some humble suggestions. We sincerely hope and pray that one or more of them will be suitable to your circumstances and help create ease for you, In Shaa Allah (if Allah wills). If you would like to discuss anything else on your mind, we also offer more personalized counselling here at Inspirited Minds.
Please don’t hesitate to contact us if you need any further support.
Allah knows best and we hope this helps In Shaa Allah (if Allah wills).
Du’aa (supplication) always,
IM Support Team
~
Ask Inspirited Minds is a safe, anonymous and confidential space for you to ask specific questions or seek advice around your mental health and wellbeing. We will publish your question and our response on our website but will make sure to make it anonymous and change any identifiable details. If you are going through these problems, then it’s highly likely someone else is going through something similar and we hope our advice can also be of help to others in a similar situation.
Click the link below to send us your question
