Question
Hi, so I’m 18 years old. A few months back I left a haraam relationship for the sake of Allah. A week later over three or so days I felt my iman going so weak, and one day I woke up and I felt nothing. I got very distressed and lost the motivation to do anything because I was constantly fighting severe waswasa to the point for days on end I couldn’t sleep. I thought that my heart had sealed and I was doomed to be in hell fire forever. This lasted for two weeks, or a week and a half roughly. One day after my brother led a duaa I felt happier that I’m not a munafiq and that Alhamdulillah my iman went back up. I started to read Quran everyday, read its translations and really be hit by it’s words, and feel strong awe love and fear and I prayed to Him like he was in front of me, I made zhikr like He was in front of me. This lasted for 20 days and now I’m back to that dark place I was before where I feel like I’m a hypocrite with a seal heart who will never taste the light of iman again. This time the waswasa isn’t so severe but its still there and I don’t feel connected in my salah anymore and it’s all happened over night, I feel so dead inside and I’m really worried about being a misguided munafiq especially because I’m finding so hard to properly make duaa and salah. I want to be a Muslim, Islam is all I want and need but my heart feels so dead and I’m reasoning all the time to myself why Islam is the truth Even reading Qur’an is harder now and the translation doesn’t impact me like I used to. I’m worried, I find it hard reading zhikr because I keep getting distracted as to why I feel dead inside. Jazak-Allah for your time.
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Response
As-Salaamun ‘Alaikum – peace be with you,
Thank you for reaching out to us, we know that it isn’t easy and we appreciate the confidence you have placed in us. May you be rewarded, Ameen.
First, we would like to say that everybody experiences ups and downs in Iman. Sometimes, even within the same day day, one is able to perform a beautiful Asr Salaah (prayer) and feel spiritually fulfilled, and yet find it difficult to concentrate a few hours later at Maghrib. That is the state of human beings.
“Allah wants to lighten your burdens, for man was created weak.” [Qur’an 4:28]
This is what makes life a test – not just what happens to us, but our own shortcomings and weaknesses are a trial. As we all experience this, it’s easy to feel like we are being punishment. But worry not. Allah (SWT) taught the Prophet (ﷺ), and through him He taught all of us, that when the believer feels lost or despair, or doubts about whether Allah (SWT) is still with Him, he should know that:
“Your Lord has not taken leave of you, [O Muhammad], nor has He detested [you]” [Qur’an 93:3]
It has been a few months since your break-up which is inevitably having emotional and psychological repercussions for you. This may also be affecting your spirituality, even if you don’t realise it. It is important to realise that nothing happens without a purpose. Not even broken hearts or pain. These are all lessons for us to learn from and signs for us to turn to Allah (SWT). They are warnings that something is wrong and that we need to make a change. Emotional distress warns us that we need to make an internal change… that we need to detach.
“…But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah (SWT) Knows, while you know not.” [Qur’an, 2:216]
Moreover, with regard to your experience of intrusive thoughts – you are not alone. Intrusive thoughts are very common. Think of them as unwanted guests who refuse to leave, and the more attention we give them, the more they resist. What’s interesting about recurring intrusive thoughts is that they often tend to fixate on areas that are of great importance to us, such as religion.
“No doubt, in the remembrance of Allah (SWT) hearts find comfort.” [Qur’an 13:28]
People will often make the assumption that because their mind is generating these thoughts and compulsively presenting them, then they must be representing their beliefs, values and their relationship with Allah (SWT). However, if these thoughts were in line with your beliefs and values then why would they cause distress? The fact that these thoughts are causing you distress indicates that they are inconsistent with your values and belief system, therefore when they occur just allow them to pass – and they will pass – while reciting constant dhikr. For an excellent piece on intrusive thoughts you can see this article on our website.
Finally, it is important to remember that when the believer gives up something for Allah (SWT), as you did a haram relationship, Satan will try to find a way to take that person off track or come at them in a different way if they are too strong to be swayed. This can be in the form of doubts and evil whisperings.
“From the evil of the retreating whisperer, who whispers into the hearts of mankind.” [Qur’an 114: 4-5]
Don’t let Shaytan make you doubt your sincere love for Allah (SWT). Instead, try to increase your self-awareness to recognise what he is doing and continue your efforts on the path of Allah (SWT). No matter how unresponsive your heart feels, just keep up your regular Salaah (obligatory worship) and continue dua (supplication) so that Allah (SWT) helps you pass this test and opens your heart, as He has promised that He will respond to our prayers.
“Call upon Me; I will respond to you.” [Qur’an 40:60]
At the same time, you shouldn’t feel guilty or worry yourself about extra acts like Sunnah (recommended) acts as there is no sin in not doing these and Allah (SWT) will not punish you. In fact you will be rewarded for trying to maintain the obligatory acts at this difficult time.
May Allah (SWT) ease your difficulty with His Mercy and Shifa.
These are just some humble suggestions. We sincerely hope and pray that one or more of them will be suitable to your circumstances and help create ease for you, In Shaa Allah (if Allah wills). If you would like to discuss anything else on your mind, we also offer more personalised counselling here at Inspirited Minds.
Please don’t hesitate to contact us if you need any further support.
Allah knows best and we hope this helps In Shaa Allah (if Allah wills).
Du’aa (supplication) always,
IM Support Team
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